2013 Maserati Granturismo Sport

Sexy, seductive, sensuous, voluptuous, racy, and potent. It’s an orgasm on wheels!

By Shahzad Sheikh

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

You might need a box of tissues before you get to the end of this article. Sorry, you can’t have mine. I’m all out.

Disclaimer: MME cannot be held responsible for any lustful arousals and/or mess caused by the content of this webpage.

Further Disclaimer: You may be banned and deported if you attempt to drive this in Saudi Arabia, because it may be deemed too attractive.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

I’d never pass up an opportunity to drive a Maserati Granturismo, even if it’s only for a one-night stand – talk about unsatiated!

Especially when it’s the new Sport, which takes over from the old ‘S’ version, but gets a facelift and some breast implants. With more juice under the bonnet, it comes as horny as hell as standard. It also needs full hands-on commitment when it comes to shifting it through the various levels of ecstasy.

No idea what the hell I’m talking about? Don’t worry, neither have I. Yes, sorry, this is still a car review website and you haven’t stumbled upon ’50 shades of oil’.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

Where does the Sport fit in the glamorous Granturismo lineup?

Frankly, I thought I was pretty clued up when it came to Maserati’s stunningly curvaceous coupe, but some of the changes and new models have left me slightly bewildered and dribbling – although the dribbling may not be for the same reason.

But I think I got it figured out now though. There used to be, and actually still is, the regular coupe (AED425k) which can be compared to say, Sandra Bullock – irresistibly enchanting.

Then came the S versions with Cambiocorsa, a robotized manual transmission – with the big ‘hands-on’ paddles behind the steering wheel and no gear lever, only buttons to push, appropriately enough. Think of this one as Milla Jovovich.

There was also a slightly watered down version of the S that got the same performance but a regular ZF fully automatic transmission (Scarlett Johansson).

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

After that came a kick-ass race-derived version with a roll-cage and racing harness instead of a seatbelt called the MC Stradale (Michelle Rodriquez) – AED575k.

What you have now with the car you see in these pictures is a replacement for the S. It adapts the front looks of the Stradale and combines it with the charm and comforting embrace of the regular car, plus more oomph… er… power. And again available with either Cambiocorsa (AED550k) or ZF Auto (AED485k).

This, then, is perfection. Gentlemen, I give you Angelina Jolie.

Of course, there are also the GranCabrio (topless!) versions… Omigod. Gulp. Excuse me for a few moments, I’ll be back shortly.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

Let’s take a longer, more lingering look, at the Sport

Oh, let’s indeed

The new Stradale-style front end incorporates new headlights with daytime LEDs and adaptive lights that follow your steering inputs. There’s better brake cooling, a new front splitter and the chrome Trident in the middle of the grille now gets red accents – confirming its strong urges (it’s the most powerful car in the range – 10bhp more than the MC Stradale).

Inside there’s a new flat-bottomed steering wheel and the seats are said to be improved to provide more room and comfort – though honestly they’re still just not as comfortable you’d want in the lower back – a burden I will happily bear, mind (call me a masochist if you must).

Under that arched bonnet lives and beats a 4.7-litre V8, as found in the Stradale, but here the libido’s been turned up a little so it wantonly puts out 454bhp and 384lb ft or torque. That gives it a top speed of 300kph (298kph if you opt for the full-auto) and 0-100kph acceleration in 4.7seconds (4.8 for the ZF).

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

Time to make her scream!

More important than the performance, which of course is solid, satisfying and sensational, is the sound. Even in the regular mode it sounds deep and throaty.

Hit the G-spot button though, sorry, the ‘Sport’ button that is, and it goes from exotic to erotic. It diverts the exhaust gases down a shorter route to the oval exhaust tips. Work that throttle and there’s a wicked raspy, gaspy, feral snarl, rising to a climatic shriek.

Gosh. Between staring at its luscious lines and listening to its aural symphony of pleasure, you’d never need to actually drive this thing anywhere to get your money’s worth out of it.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

You lead, she follows

Oh but drive it you must. Ignore the dubious ergonomics, look past the confusing switchgear and even forgive the incomprehensible infotainment system and just drive. This remains one of the last proper visceral GT driving experiences.

You can leave it in Auto, but this ‘Electro-Actuated Gearbox’ (which sounds like it comes with a vibrator) is frankly not a docile thing. It pauses and jerks and hesitates and leaves you somewhat restless. Most buyers will go for the full ZF auto version of this car, and to be honest, that’s probably what you should get too.

Me though, I much prefer this ‘semi-manual’ style old-skool tranny. It makes you work. You have to keep your hands firmly in contact with the smooth steering wheel with your fingers constantly caressing the protruding flaps hidden behind. Remember to lift off the accelerator momentarily on changes, just like you would on a manual car – this will take a little time to get used to, but is so worth it.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

In nympho-mode, er… sorry again, Sports mode changes can be neck-snappingly quick during the throes of sprinting away from almost all other cars on the road, most of which will have just stopped anyway so they can get a look at that pert bottom swaying and departing.

If the drama of getaway wasn’t enough, the supple handling is eager and willing, with the car shifting and writhing beneath you exactly as you desire, and tightly hugging apexes when you want. The Granturismo has never been a lairy muscle car, it’s more precise sports car and it remains a machine that urges you on with encouraging feedback and reassuring responses.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

Is she a keeper then?

Are you kidding? Have this kinky sports car in your driveway, and you’ll prostrate before it every night in a ‘not-worthy’ gesture, worshiping her goddess-like grace.

This won’t ever be the easiest car in the world to own and live with, and you’ll have to make compromises, not least of which is putting up with the highly-strung nature of the Maserati, and the occasional sulks and tempers as it develops ‘issues’ – as these particular Italian machines are still wont to do.

2012 Maserati Granturismo Sport

On the other hand it’s quite simply one of the coolest and sexiest cars you could possibly own and drive on a daily basis (reliability allowing!), and yet each and every drive will be such an enthralling and intense experience that you’ll probably need a cold shower, or maybe a cigarette, if you’re a smoker, afterwards.

This one’s triple-X rated, folks. I did warn you.

Maserati GranTurismo Sport Automatica

[UPDATE 13 October 2013]

DRIVEN – Granturismo Sport Automatica

There is a point, when driving the latest full-auto version of this, the sexiest sports car on the planet, that you realise this is more than just another good use of the excellent ZF transmission.

In Sports mode, sitting at idle, you slide the gear lever across to manual, and suddenly she starts to purr, the engine note just pick up a little for no apparent reason whatsoever, other than you’ve fondled the shifter.

I love the fact that just the merest suggestion of a bit of action evokes a purr from this kitten.

Maserati GranTurismo Sport Automatica

Knowing that most customers will quite rightly go for this six-speed auto version, rather than the automated manual reviewed above, the Maserati engineers have clearly been more liberal with the pheromones, and she’s now even more sensitive to the touch than before.

The paddles are bigger, the changes more aggressive, snappier and keener than I remember, the down shifts more urgent, and the accompanying moans of pleasure are more exciting, more encouraging.

Maserati GranTurismo Sport Automatica

They’ve definitely turned things up for this latest 2013 version, and have quite deliberately made an effort to bring it closer in character to the raucous and raunchy CambioCorsa.

I’d have it. For sure I would. And you should too. It’s that good now. Though there’s something about the wilder CambioCorsa that just makes it still ever-so-slightly more compelling and passionate a love story.

You may not have her, you may not even want her, but just the thought, just knowing that she is still out there is tantalising and enthralling enough. Long may she reign!

Maserati GranTurismo Sport Automatica

2013 Maserati Granturismo Sport
Cambiocorsa: AED550,000 ($150k)
Automatica ZF: AED485,000 ($132k)
Engine: 4.7-litre V8, 454bhp @ 7000rpm, 384lb ft @ 4750rpm
Performance: 4.7secs 0-100kph, 300kph, 15.5L/100
Transmission: six-speed automated manual (Cambiocorsa), rear-wheel drive
Weight: 1880kg

Does it turn you on? Let us know below.


12 responses to “2013 Maserati Granturismo Sport”

  1. Khan says:

    hopefully they don’t spoil the exterior like they did with the new four door. gran cabrio, topless, matte orange and the new vanquish in sky blue. that’s all I ask for.

  2. SOS says:

    Good Turn On Article. Indeed the Car is got the Best combination of Looks and Exhaust Note. I got hypnotized by these combination one day and had followed it for some time. Next day, I downloaded the exhaust sounds from internet and listens to it, even in my car! I must say it has the best exhaust sound of any car, the sound variations are unbelievable. “Seven Note” is also interesting.

  3. Laura says:

    Well, this left me cold. Honestly, can you not write an interesting enough article without resorting to adopting the sex-obsessed vocabulary of a prepubescent grubby boychild? Or are you one of those men who physically get turned on by cars and are caught nakedly rubbing themselves against the exhaust, moaning about your maserati being the only “woman” who understands you?

    Describing a car as a “tranny” is mildly bigoted at best, or famous actresses, without any sort of link other than they turn you on (well done for admitting you find transexuals attractive – each to their own)…the mind boggles. Women are people, not sex objects, and this reeks of the pathetic “journalism” found at the Daily Fail.

    • admin says:

      [Shahzad] Er.. ‘Tranny’ actually refers to ‘transmission’ and was probably one of the few words that wasn’t a sexual reference! Thanks for your feedback!

    • Navneet says:

      The article written is good…it’s just another way of expressing how it feels to see & ride a car.
      In terms of journalism (i don’t know much) but would like to say that you have covered all aspects that should have been reported: price, power, weight, drivers connection, seating, etc etc. but surely relating it to a topic (opposite sex) which seems to disturb all sorts of viewers.
      I’m just thinking aloud now, What if there was an article about a women’s hand bag from a top, aspired designer & how it would be described to it’s readers on how it feels owning & carrying it….I guess someone somewhere might have taken the same route like the writer here has done to reach it’s target audience with some names that people could relate them to.

      All in all, I think it was fine to read this article & tell how the car makes you feel.

  4. Moshunnar says:

    It does, it did, and always will. Such a beauty!
    Great and unique article too 😀

  5. Sarah Charles says:

    I have to agree with Laura, this is a puerile article that should never have seen the light of day. Aside from the masturbatory references which are just gross, to mention Angelina Jolie and then in the next sentence go on about the topless model is crass, insensitive and in very bad taste. The entire thing is in the poorest taste actually.

    I am not a prude, nor am I easily offended. But this is not journalism, it’s just a pathetic attempt to drive readers to a website by being shocking. Well done. And as most of your readers will be Muslims even a nod and a wink to sex and/or masturbation really isn’t a good idea is it? As a married woman I can safely say that if my husband wrote this I would be deeply ashamed. I doubt you will put this rant on your website but thought you should know just how some of your (now ex) readers must be viewing you.


  6. Jimmy Sadri says:

    I beg to differ with the ladies that have commented above. I think the review is excellent. If you had any idea about the car being reviewed, you would understand exactly why the car was reviewed as such.

    I could not have put it in better words myself. I think Shahzad has done a stunning job by actually being able to put words to emotion. If it were me, there would just be drool running down a blank page.

    Everything cannot always be measured in politically appropriate facts and figures. Sometimes, there is a lot more, especially for a petrol-head and the car reviews he is reading. Shahzad has allowed me to live in that driver’s seat through his review and that is what I call quality journalism.

    If you find it offensive, look away. The fact that you misconstrued the use of the word ‘tranny’ says enough about your knowledge of cars.

    The review was aimed at the petrol head. If you didnt get it, its a shame and a loss for you really, but take your disapproval elsewhere because I laud editor for being bold enough to speak freely and doing an excellent job at the same time.

    • admin says:

      [Shahzad] Thanks so much for that! I don’t mind if people don’t like my writing, or don’t ‘get’ my humour, as you say, nobody’s forcing them to read it. However I would like to state for the record that I did not have, and never would have, any intention of demeaning women, or being insensitive to health issues and problems. It was just a bit of fun and an attempt at a slightly different style of reviewing a car.

  7. afzal says:

    thanks Shahzad n MME… Only few people can really understand what you meant me being one. Literally lived through the entire review. the last time i got this much “(unexplainable feeling )” about a car was when i drove a BMW M6 V10 cabriolet, top-down at 250kph… 🙂

  8. Navneet says:

    Just a constructive feedback:
    I feel it wasn’t justified to see shots of the car (exterior) just being in a parking lot…. 🙂
    I would have loved to see some shots with great backdrops that we have in this country.

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